🌱 Wisdom From Merlin

Everybody likes being given a glass of water

• People think about you much less than you either hope or fear.
• It’s often easier not to be terrible.
• Whenever you’re not sure what to say, either say nothing, or ask a question.
• Be sparing in how often you tell someone their negative feelings are wrong; it rarely helps a sad person to be told that they are also a liar.
• Related: feelings are real.
• Never organize anything you should discard.
• As you cross the street, notice which car’s driver feels most likely to do something stupid or dangerous. Walk a little slower, turn your head, and make direct eye contact. Brains cannot help but notice faces, plus eye contact startles anyone into suddenly remembering they live amongst other actual people.
• Related corollary: navigate an urban sidewalk by avoiding eye contact. Not because you’re anti-social, but because eyes tell you very little about where your fellow pedestrians are headed. Monitor feet and footsteps for imminent direction; unfix your gaze ~two head-heights above the crowd to detect emerging patterns.
• If the thing you’re cooking doesn’t smell or sound like food yet, it’s probably not food yet.
• Buy slightly larger shoes.
• Always wave at children on trains.
• Flirt with all elderly women.
• Tip more.
• Keep moving and get out of the way.
• Never give advice to a pregnant person unless they specifically asked for it.
• Never touch a pregnant person unless they specifically asked for it.
• Stop correcting people by immediately telling them what they should have said. You are really super not helping.
• When you’re feeling awful and aren’t sure what to do, pretend you are the person you love the most, and give them your best advice.
• If you see someone photographing a group, offer to take the photo for them so they can get in the picture. Please do not steal their camera.
• Related: When you shoot a group photo, always take at least five shots from at least two angles. For the last couple photos, say: “Everybody say ‘BUTTS!‘” You will instantly get many totally natural smiles, plus you just gave them a fun story.
• In photography—as in life—always keep the light behind you.
• Sometimes, a person will confess something embarrassing that obviously makes them feel really dumb and vulnerable. That is never the time to say “I told you so,” and it is rarely the best moment to offer advice that they never asked for. Just shut the fuck up and listen.
• If you have a small household responsibility—no matter how lame or quotidian—just do it now and without being asked. If you think the trash may need to go out, do not “check” to see if the trash needs to go out. Just take the fucking trash out. And quit reminding everybody you took the trash out. This is not Vietnam, and you are not a forgotten hero.
• Related: the greatest curse of the middle-aged American man is believing that he is not adequately appreciated.
• Also related: do not ask someone if they want a glass of water. Just bring them a glass of water. Everybody likes being given a glass of water.
• Buy the nicest screwdrivers you can afford.
• Every few months, take at least one panorama photo of your kid’s room. At least annually, secretly record your kid talking for at least ten minutes. I promise you’ll treasure both, and then you will curse yourself for not having done each more often.
• Most well-written characters have something they want or something they think they want. The most fascinating characters also have something they don’t want you to know, alongside something they’re not pulling off nearly as well as they think.
• Related: these are each also true for all real people.
• When you meet a new person, ask them what they’re most excited about right now.
• Try always to store something in the first place you looked for it. Not “where it’s pretty” or “where we used to keep it” or “where we have more room.” It goes where it goes—not where you think it goes.
• If you can’t understand someone’s behavior, ask yourself what they might be scared of.
• Almost every task in life benefits from the addition of a nearby trash bag.
• Every day, somebody’s born who’s never seen The Flintstones.
• If an item is very precious or valuable to you, never set it down anywhere that you wouldn’t want it to be overnight.
• Call people what they’d like to be called, and don’t be a dick about it.
• Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
• Every project is a triangle made of time, money, and quality; shortening the length of one side necessarily lengthens the other sides. Less well known is that we each tend to blow it on the sides we least respect or understand.
• If the person with whom you’re negotiating finds it difficult to give you a budget or an estimate, ask them to put their best guess between two orders of magnitude. Viz. “How many zeroes are we talking about here?” Quickly discovering that your ballpark figures are 2 to 5 zeroes apart will save you both a lot of time and frustration.
• Related: if the client’s estimate for any given aspect feels poorly thought out, mentally double the budget for money and time. At the end of all estimations, add at least 20% to the time and budget. You’re gonna need it and you’ll definitely earn it.
• When estimating the time it will take to do anything involving a child, add at least ten minutes per child. Make that 30 minutes for kids under five or over twelve.
• Always have a twelve-pack of Diet Coke and a good quantity of unflavored fizzy water. A lot of people love one (or both), and most of the people who do drink a lot of it.
• Whoever wants the meeting most usually holds the least power.
• Archive any email that’s older than 30 days. If it kills you to archive a given email, immediately turn it into a task, and then archive it.
• Most team culture comes out of a combination of what is tolerated and what is rewarded. If you legit want your culture to improve, change what you reward and rethink what you will tolerate.
• Any Slack is only as good as the guy who always has the latest post. And, it’s nearly always a guy.
• Avoid any children’s movie whose theatrical trailer includes more than one fart or butt joke. That’s their idea of the best parts of the movie.
• If you don’t remember what an app does, you can probably delete it.
• The earlier a kid is around books often (and in any way), the earlier and easier they’ll start reading.
• Any time you locate a piece of digital information you were hunting for, tag it something like, “＃outboardbrain.” Chances are you’ll want to find it again, and chances are you’ll definitely forget it again.
• Avoid vegetarian dishes that struggle to recreate a recipe that’s normally based on meat.
• In any large retail store, choose the line that’s mostly young people who are by themselves.
• Always make all the bacon.
• Never try to bribe someone unless the amount you’re offering them feels ludicrously high.
• If you really want a glass of water at a restaurant, always order that first. As you do this, look the server in the eyes and nod.
• You’ll probably need to listen to at least three episodes of a podcast before you will know if you could really love it.
• If you want an honest opinion, ask for the second superlative. For example, if you want a thoughtful answer about someone’s job, ask them their second-least-favorite thing about it.
• Avoid any food whose name has been altered for legal reasons.
• Sometimes, people ask you how you’re doing when they’re especially concerned about how they’re doing.
• Stay focused on the outcome, not your original strategy. If you’re looking for a USB cable, don’t fixate on finding a specific box that might contain a specific USB cable. Just find a damned cable.
• Related: when you get stuck and frustrated about how to solve a problem, stop, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What am I actually trying to accomplish here?” Because, that’s the outcome on the other side of a new and less ambiguous strategy.
• Before you freak out about how you are feeling right now, ask yourself how much (or how little) you’re having of sleep, food, water, exercise, alcohol, drugs, sunshine, human touch, family time, and probably some other stuff I don’t know of but you definitely will.
• Whenever you need to carry two seemingly identical things (like, drinks or toothbrushes or what have you), always—and only—ever carry the one that’s yours in your right hand. When you pick up the two items, always mutter aloud to yourself, “I’m always right.” Because, now, you are always right.
• After you’ve had two alcoholic beverages, begin alternating with equal amounts of water. If you have more than five drinks, change that ratio to two-to one in favor of water.
• Dinner parties and most large group meals are not really about eating. They’re mostly about easy socializing. So, if you get weird when you’re hungry, eat before you arrive. It’ll make everyone’s evening more easy and more social.